Apocalypse Now: 2016 Edition

If the American election has confirmed anything, it's that we've finally entered the darkest timeline. As if it weren't enough that Prince is dead and the United Kingdom is leaving the EU, the American people decided to elect an arrogant, humourless cheeto as the most powerful person in the world. Now we all have to suffer.

With so much misery and uncertainty in the world, it is only natural to look for coping mechanisms. I myself have turned to the only thing I've ever known -- that is, leading a healthy and well-adjusted lifestyle. While some may find clean living difficult to follow in the age of "processed foods" and "surfing the Internet" and "sitting down," I've distilled this lifestyle into a few unique tips for helping people cope through the next four years. 


Tip #1: Drink lots of water

Like many people, I have been extremely salty about the results of the election. If I expect to survive a Trump presidency, I am going to have to drink a lot of water or the dangerous levels of NaCl are going to kill me. After all, it would be such a shame to die of high blood pressure when the effects of denying climate change can do the trick instead.


Tip #2: Cardio, cardio, cardio

Do you ever read the news and you see something terrible like the potential shortlist for Trump's cabinet and you just want to do a backflip into the sun? Same! But as someone who finds space travel strenuous, I suggest trying something more lowkey instead, like running away from anxiety until it feels like your chest is about to explode. That way, when things keep getting worse and worse your heart will still get a workout and you'll be able to live forever.


Tip #3: Get plenty of sleep

The next president seems intent on surrounding himself with sycophants (Ben Carson, Ivanka Trump), white nationalists (Steve Bannon), and pious men who hide behind religion as an excuse for their disgusting policies (Professional Garbage Man Mike Pence). It's enough to make you want to escape the world for a bit. Luckily, there's no better way to do so than sleeping excessively, which is the closest thing to not existing without actually being sick or in a coma or dead. 


While the three tips I've provided are supremely helpful, it's also advisable to do other things as well. The best strategy is to be proactive even as you try to cope, so stay informed. Use your voice. Vote. Read your horoscope. These are all ways to manage the next four years and beyond, because if 2016 is any indication, things are just going to get worse before they get better.