How to Eat Ice Cream

Step 1: Buy an ice cream cone. A cone is the only suitable device for eating ice cream because it ensures maximum ice cream consumption and combats the wastage of melting ice cream. If you bought it in a cup then you're already too far gone. There's no saving you.

Step 2: Grab some napkins and wrap them around the base of the cone. This should ensure that the ice cream doesn't melt through the bottom. 

Step 3: If you're standing, protrude your head outwards like a bird. If you're sitting, do the same but open your legs wide. This will ensure that if any ice cream falls, it will not be on you. 

Step 4: Now you're ready to eat. Do a 360 degree scan around the ice cream cone. Is there any drippage? If so, lick it immediately.

Step 5: Begin regular lickage. This should be an upwards movement. Your hand should be rotating the cone so that each side is licked and so that the ice cream does not melt onto your hand. 

Step 6: Ignore all distractions. This is your time. Conversation with friends should be kept at a minimum. If they really loved you, they would leave you alone. It's just you and your ice cream. 

Step 7: Once you have licked the ice cream down to the actual cone, bite some of the cone off and resume the technique. Remember to continue rotating -- the risk of it melting on you still exists: never forget this.

  disclaimer: this is improper ice cream eating technique. these hoes ain't loyal

disclaimer: this is improper ice cream eating technique. these hoes ain't loyal

Step 8: You should be nearing the end of your ice cream cone by now. This is a bittersweet moment, so be sure to end off the experience on a high note. Leave a 50:50 ice cream to cone ratio for your last bite. You do NOT want to eat only cone: this will leave your mouth dry and unsatisfied. Savour this last bite: like life, it is both beautiful and fleeting.