How to Succeed(o): Coping with Your Post-University Future

I was once a wide-eyed kid, certain of my future as a billionaire with six Egyptian cats, four mistresses, and a pack of rotweilers. But I am older now, and I see that I will not be a billionaire, I hate animals, and the amount of mistresses I will have is still to be determined. Unfortunately, I am still just as clueless about what I want to do with my life as when I was seventeen. The only difference is that I am finally at the age where I can see my actual potential.

So what does one do when one realizes that they are not as clever, talented, or good looking as they once thought? What does one do when they realize that companies do not want to hire a person with an incurable Internet addiction and a dandruff problem? As someone who has mastered the art of handling stressful situations like a tall, mature adult it only makes sense that I share my wisdom in dealing with the idea of a mediocre future. This is why I have created some simple tips for managing the prospect of an unfulfilling, post-university adult life.

Tip #1:

Avoid all mirrors. Making eye contact with yourself is a dangerous proposition. You risk looking into your soul. You will not find peace there -- you will only find failure.

Tip #2:

Pretend you're into podcasts. At least other people will respect you even if you don't. 

Tip #3:

Start a blog about nothing with your sister because you have nothing better to do with your time and you don't want to think about your sad future and how you ate way too much because you were bored.

Tip #4:

Make the best of the situation and instead use the overwhelming emotions to your advantage. Having a hard time digesting yesterday's leftovers? Think of your rapidly depleting bank account and lack of career prospects. The stress will help it pass through your system in no time.

Tip #5:

Avoid linking your self-worth to the amount of jobs you've been rejected from by beginning a co-dependent relationship where your happiness depends on how much the other person likes you.

By using this advice, you will be better equipped to handle stress related to the future. These tips apply to everybody with zero exception. This is why you must use all of them at once for the best results. As well, if any of these suggestions don't work it's probably your own fault and if you are one of the lucky few who already have a steady, long-term job and a fulfilling life don't talk to me.